I can feel a change rising in me. I so often don't try things because of the fear of what might come from trying...failure. I get the concept of it. That it is a learning experience, that you have to fail in order to succeed, that failure can be a good thing. I never judge others for failing, in fact admire their attempts at trying. But for some reason, the thought of failing, of rejection, of loss, of judgement in myself scares me to the core. Fear has been such a life-sucker of me. I have begun to realize this in the past few months. Good thing I see this now while I still have time to change. I must push myself to be better, to try harder and to just give in to what is. Life is so beautiful. Every moment is so beautiful if you just let it. I get this. I get glimpses of a better me at times but something makes me retreat, to hide, to doubt myself. This has also held me back from doing things that I once loved such as acting. It has also made me question what it is that I want to do in this life because I have doubts that I can, that I'll be any good, that anyone else will find worth in it. I've thrown myself into previous partners so content to be the support, to hang out in their shadows, to be ecstatic when they were in the spotlight. I can't do that ever again. I would despise myself if I lost myself in someone else. If I want to be with someone I find truly amazing, then I need to try to be truly amazing myself. It is daunting to attempt this to me. How do I become like the people I see and find inspiring? Where do I start? From here I suppose...from this day...

 I have to give myself some credit though. I mean, I am here in Costa Rica. I have attempted to surf and have caught a few waves but the fear of sucking or getting pummeled by waves hijacks the spirit of getting back out there. I will go again today. I force myself into it, sometimes just to please Michelle as she has a drive that flickers in and out of me. I must be patient with myself and my failings. I must allow myself to fail, to fall and not reduce myself to just a floating body. There is so much to experience, so much to learn and I can not waste another day mindlessly or afraid to live.

 "I've no choice now but to fall in love as soon as possible--not with a man but with my immediate life and eventually myself."- Joan Anderson (A Year by the Sea, thoughts of an unfinished women)

Pura Vida Mae!

Writing from a phone isn't ideal so I haven't done it much since I got here...obviously. I am now in Esterillos Oeste...3 plus weeks later since my last update. I love it here. We got our second surf lesson today and Pat got some good pics. I won't be able to upload any pics I have taken till I get home. Uvita was interesting. We stayed at Cascada Verde Eco Lodge where we were to volunteer. I'll try to sum up the experience as best I can. In the beginning there was a guest from New York. He was somewhat of an a-hole, little self-righteous, ignorant. One of the boys (either Sanfort, Emilio, Pipper or Victor) not-so-fondly named him cabra which means goat. Another guest who we loved and sadly didn't get to see very much of was Alejandro. He is a performer from Cirque Du Soleil. Alejandro was so sweet, witty and had what I called "a must see chest, 5 stars". Among the people who actually worked there we met 1)a man who is our own "big fish" he made us laugh a lot. We are coming home with some great quotes from this guy. Although he may have been blowing smoke up our arses quite a bit he still helped with our travels and experience thus far. 2)A beautiful tico boy, Emilio, who liked me with my make-up off and all. He also questioned my motives "you are just looking for some latin candy?". I appreciated this because sometimes being called out is a good thing. He would like me to return again to spend time with just him and even offered to buy my ticket. What is comical about this is that he and I can speak the least to each other. I know about as much spanish as he knows english. We used our translators and hand gestures a lot. SO we will see how this pans out. Ha. Emilio also has done a lot in is 27 years from working on his parents farm, motocross, going to school for Gastronomy (which he still has to finish), studying abroad, being one of the greatest baristas which included making crazy cool pictures in the foam and much more. 3) An old rasta dude named Victor who was originally from some island off the coast of Spain. He has worked at Cascada forever it seems, first for Patrick, the german dude, who apparently went a little nutty after one too many motorcycle wrecks. Victor rarely spoke english which was fine, he showed us a lot of different plants and had us eat many of them. He is what sparked my now curiosity in horticulture. He also loved to watch old looney toons in spanish at night. I think his favorite was Claudio the big rooster. 4) a guy from the Basque country. His accent was a little different in both English and Spanish. Well...he was a little different but I think he always meant well. 5) Patrick, who didn't work there but owned the place. This is the german dude who was a little eccentric to say the least. He was cool though, interesting and we got some good insight, inspirational messages from him. Michelle and I were both a bit disappointed with the actual volunteer program, seeing how it was hmmmm "under construction" or something of that nature. We did get to garden a bit and made some friends so it was still a good experience. Michelle got an up close look at a naked german man (my view was more distant) not that she really wanted to, but you know, it's fine. Ha ha. We also had some good food, great coffee, homemade chocolate and a better tolerance to bugs especially spiders. I mean after the huge ones we have seen, I doubt the ones back home will make us squirm like before. One of the days in Uvita we hiked up to the waterfall and swam. That was rad. There were these plants called dormilonas and when you touched them they would close up. I honestly have felt like we fell down the rabbit hole into Wonderland on many occasions since we got to Costa Rica. I had my birthday in Uvita as well...but it didn't really feel much like a birthday because I was sick. Oh well such is life. Towards the end of our stay a girl from Spain came, Nulia (I think). She seemed kind of cold to us at first but warmed up before we had left. She had volunteered there before and had a good relationship to the place and the people. There is much more to Uvita but that is all I feel like writing about today. Next to come is Dominical, Quepos and Esterillos Oeste which is where we are now. I will write more about the trip later but let me just say this: Today we had our 2nd surf lesson. This one seemed way more legit...it is so AWESOME!!! This is something I've always wanted to know how to do. We go out again tomorrow. Also Pat (my aunt's friend who we are staying with while in EO is freaking amazing...LOVE HER). More to come MAE!

Uvita, Costa Rica

I have arrived. Let me start by saying I am grateful for the wonderful people we have met thus far and the people who have helped get us here to Uvita. It has definitely been a journey. It was all made worth it by waking up this morning drinking fantastic cafe con leche while watching monkeys hop amongst the trees. I am writing this as I'm laying in a hammock listening and watching the downpour of rain in the forest all around me. The story starts here: On Tuesday Steve drops myself and Michelle off at the airport blaring a Latin American Pandora station to get us in the mood. We fly to Denver and then into Houston. We are set to fly into San Jose that evening. But we take the offered flight, meal & hotel vouchers to fly out the next day. Cocktail in the airport and hotel then bed is how the night ended. Next morning we have a layover in Panama and I can't stop singing "panama... Panamaha. " We get into San Jose arriving later than we had hoped. A lady at the airport gives us a map and directions to where we can catch a bus to Uvita. (Uvita is where we are now, the town in which we signed up to volunteer for a few weeks) We take the public transit, the only foreigners who do so (now I understand why) and then hoof it the next however many calles y avenidios. Navigating through the crowded streets, with our gigantic backpacks we are no doubtedly smacking everything. We end up having to ask in broken Spanglish some policeman what calles or avenidios we are on because it seems only some of the streets are marked and the ones that are you have to find what building and side has the marking on it. I made the observation that having at least one good looking policeman in every group must be mandatory. As we make our way to this station we notice the surrounding areas start to look more and more shitty. The sky is also getting darker. We started to walk down a street a man in a truck stops shakes his head veheminately "no!" and points to go down further up the block. Who knows what awaited us down that street? Nothing good that is for sure. We finally find this bus stop, which seems to be in some sort of park area. Some dude yells a slang word "tortilleras" which I remembered meant lesbians. We sit down and try to figure out what bus we are looking for and what time it's supposed to come. All the while feeling a bit uneasy with the amount of creepers in the area. We get a hold of one of our contacts from Cascada Verde (where we are volunteering) and he lets us know we are in the wrong area and that there most likely isn't a bus for tonight. At this point a lady comes up to us and asks if we speak Spanish. I'm just barely learning the language and Michelle is not fluent, so the lady speaks to us in the English that she knows and tells us that we need to get out of this area that it is not safe, that there are bad people. We thank her perfusely and decide we are going to need to stay in a hostel in San Jose overnight. We end up hailing a taxi and going to Costa Rica Backpackers hostel. The area looked shitty surrounding it but our travelbook recommended it and we were in need of finding a place to settle in for the evening. This place was pretty chill and we had a dorm room for 8 all to ourselves. There was a bar/restaurant attached to the place so we didn't have to leave to get what we were craving...beer. Food was good that night and in the morning and so was the coffee. The only downside was I got a phrase book [that had been really helpful] stolen. So we are up to Thursday Morning. We take a taxi to where the real terminal is only to find we missed the direct bus to Uvita and that we would have to wait 6 hours for the next. There was no way we were going to stay in San Jose any longer than we had to so we decided to take a bus to Quepos. Our travel book said there was a bus from there to Uvita. No one there spoke English so all the ticket buying and getting on the bus was done in what little Spanish we knew and hand gestures. Thank you Michelle. That bus ride I was so stoked. Woohoo! Get me the eff out of San Jose!!! The surroundings changed from dirty city to beautiful lush green! Oh and at that bus station we met some pretty hott Swedish guys that let us get on the bus in front of them. "After you Idaho". One of them was wearing a "stop wars" in the same letter style as StarWars. Once we get to Quepos we find out there isn't a bus to Uvita. Or so they say. So we eat at this funny little place and drink horchata. I figure out we need to go to Domincal and from there we can get to Uvita. So we find out we have to pay on the bus. Problem is we aren't quite sure which bus we need to get on. While waiting we meet some dude from Montana who used to used to live in Boise. As the time approaches for when the bus to Dominical was supposed to leave we stand up and try to figure out which bus it'll be, a kid from America who is grouped with other kids(young adults) from all over the world approaches us and through him we figure out we are supposed to get in the same bus as them. *ill finish the story to here later. I'm tired. ;) I also wrote this through my phone and so it´s a little messed up...don´t judge me too harshly.

The itch of the traveling kind

Once you travel, there is an itch to do it again and soon. It has been 2 years since I left for China. I have had the itch to set foot in foreign lands but due to school and the like have lacked the opportunity or means. My opportunity has come now. I leave for Costa Rica in a little over 2 months. I will be there for a month and a half. I have no idea what awaits. But I hope to learn new things and grow as a person as well as come back with a sweet tan. Ha ha. Hopefully I will be able to document this short journey better than I did when I went to China. I also think that I am in a much better spot mentally/emotionally then I was before and during my China trip. I'm working on mindfulness and the act of being in the here and now, on accepting what is and letting go of what isn't. The here and the now finds me tired....so more later.

My giant goes with me wherever I go.

I'm supposedly a good writer. I guess once I put my mind to it, I can be or if I have inspiration. I find that since I normally write poetry and its what I do most often when I write, I'm better at abstract writing and not normal story line type. I find its hard to express myself. Is this due to the fact that perhaps the English language lacks words for what I feel? Possibly.
Or due to a laziness? That could be partially it. I just get bored or impatient sometimes and trying to make everything cohesive. My mind isn't cohesive, my thoughts are abstract, it is a task to try and organize it. Why would I want to do such a thing? ha ha.

My Father came up for a day and as per usual we talk about religion and things in this life that actually matter. One thing we discussed was how people who believe differently treat each other. I just have to say I am frustrated with things that close doors for opportunity or people. If you believe differently than me doesn't mean I am going to turn my back on you or try and crush your faith. I don't think any one religion has it right through and through. Over the ages people have believed in different things (some pretty similar) and time after time have discovered what they knew to be true was many ways wrong or become disillusioned by it.
I know that I can't hang my life on someone else's truth. My truth may be different to some degree than yours. To contradict myself in a way by bringing up someone else's thought, to be exact Emersonian thought; he talked about how the truth is within us that our soul knows more than we give it credit.
They cannot see in secret; they love to be blind in public. They think society wiser than their soul, and know not that one soul, and their soul, is wiser than the whole world

I am still a work in progress, I am still finding my truth. My Dad has some good points about living by being Charitable and being grateful.

I believe there is a higher intelligence. I believe in living by love. That is why it is tattooed on my wrist. I believe that gaining knowledge is important. I love this quote: "I would rather have a mind opened by wonder than closed by belief" -Gerry Spencer
I want to gain knowledge and to travel and experience how others believe and really be open to it. I can't have my eyes closed by a belief. The Greeks really believed in their Gods. The Japanese did too and then it all came crashing down.

This post may or may not have been cohesive...but meh whatever

Back in...some random color of your choosing

So I'm actually updating my blog a bit. Got a flikr account and am updating with pictures and such. Perhaps I should finish my story of epic proportions. Not now...but soon.

10/3/09 Yading The Real Adventure Begins

So we ended up staying at this villagers house. They had Mao riding horses posters all over. The rooms were decorated quite lovely and they were spacious. We had dinner with them and all the other travelers. Here is where we were set to decide our fate for the next few days.


*Thats all I wrote. I will update the blog with the....rest of the story. later.