I can feel a change rising in me. I so often don't try things because of the fear of what might come from trying...failure. I get the concept of it. That it is a learning experience, that you have to fail in order to succeed, that failure can be a good thing. I never judge others for failing, in fact admire their attempts at trying. But for some reason, the thought of failing, of rejection, of loss, of judgement in myself scares me to the core. Fear has been such a life-sucker of me. I have begun to realize this in the past few months. Good thing I see this now while I still have time to change. I must push myself to be better, to try harder and to just give in to what is. Life is so beautiful. Every moment is so beautiful if you just let it. I get this. I get glimpses of a better me at times but something makes me retreat, to hide, to doubt myself. This has also held me back from doing things that I once loved such as acting. It has also made me question what it is that I want to do in this life because I have doubts that I can, that I'll be any good, that anyone else will find worth in it. I've thrown myself into previous partners so content to be the support, to hang out in their shadows, to be ecstatic when they were in the spotlight. I can't do that ever again. I would despise myself if I lost myself in someone else. If I want to be with someone I find truly amazing, then I need to try to be truly amazing myself. It is daunting to attempt this to me. How do I become like the people I see and find inspiring? Where do I start? From here I suppose...from this day...

 I have to give myself some credit though. I mean, I am here in Costa Rica. I have attempted to surf and have caught a few waves but the fear of sucking or getting pummeled by waves hijacks the spirit of getting back out there. I will go again today. I force myself into it, sometimes just to please Michelle as she has a drive that flickers in and out of me. I must be patient with myself and my failings. I must allow myself to fail, to fall and not reduce myself to just a floating body. There is so much to experience, so much to learn and I can not waste another day mindlessly or afraid to live.

 "I've no choice now but to fall in love as soon as possible--not with a man but with my immediate life and eventually myself."- Joan Anderson (A Year by the Sea, thoughts of an unfinished women)